you figure your figure is your best shot at fame

you’ve waxed, bleached, and fasted, now you’re saving to go under the knife

let me save you some cash with a tip from my life

when i started in this business, i was young, blonde, and petite

not a line on my face and the set i was born with was 34D

i figured i’d play the ingénue, do the rounds

just as soon as i lost those last stubborn pounds

but then i stumbled by chance on a real scene stealer:

just dye my hair brown and talk like a bit from garrison keillor

your weight? it’s gravity— the more cheese fries, the better

and all those wrinkles, why they just add character

the prettier you once were, the farther the reach

they’ll call your work “daring” when you stop brushing your teeth

think of ms. kidman and her nose in “the hours”

or beautiful charlize turned into a monster

so leave the manolos for “sex and the city”

because nothing earns oscars like not being pretty

i’m serious
i’m not even
kidding, you guys

i just thought of
that, you guys
i was standing outside
all by myself,
you guys

i was just standing there,
you guys

hey girl
if i were a
muppet i would
sing a song
called “it’s not
easy being
meme”

hey girl
if i were a
muppet i would
get lost
and hope that
you would
find me
sitting slack
and lifeless
in a prop
closet somewhere
and that you
would put your
hand inside of me
and bring me to life
and be my voice
girl

you hear me girl?

and all the while he mocks me!

he steals the name of government agencies
from the tip of my tongue and
he tricks me into believing there
are only eight judges on the supreme
court
(i get planets and supreme court justices confused)

but now he’s really gone and done it
with this commercial he asked me to make
about the fags and the non-believers
no one told me about youtube
or that my chief pollster was a homo
after all he helped write the ad
and on top of everything it turns out that pretty music
i so dearly love
was written by a flaming homo jewish composer
and my suede jacket is the same one like in that movie about
the cowboys light in the boots
and i just have to wonder
dear mister jesus
what did i ever do to deserve this mistreatment?

i gave my life over to you
and i preach intolerance in your name
and if i become president i’m gonna cut social programs
for the needy
and give tax breaks
to the rich
and continue to execute retards

wait

um

never mind

what’s the point of doing it again
you ask?
only that it entertains me to see how
moronic people can be

i lie to your face and still you believe me
it’s alderaan all over again
i am the real emperor but over what do i rule?
i hate you rubes

just me

alone with
my camera crew

staring out at the
mean horizon
at the deep
blue waters
as vast and
mysterious
as the human
heart

just me
alone
standing there
with the sun burning
up over the
mountainsides
and the key grip
spitting tobacco
into the sand

just me
thinking about
tweeting something

just me

trying to
cry

in a cold rainstorm i
turn to my
campaign manager
who is
blowing
smoke rings
with a pizza
box in his
lap

“what am i
supposed to
say?” i say

and he tells
me:  “i cannot
recall”

and i say
what do you
mean you
cannot recall
this is what i
pay you for
you dumb
sonofabitch

and he says
no, no
i mean,
you cannot
recall

just tell them
you can’t recall

and i said,
“can’t recall
what?”

and he flicked
some ashes into
his pizza box
and said
“exactly”